Thanks, But No Thanks: Pregnancy

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 I’ve heard so many  horror stories from a lot of moms that have had an encounter that was just so incredibly bizarre during their pregnancy– they almost don’t believe it happened. The stranger in line at the grocery store that just casually begins stroking your bump and telling you all about how you WILL kill your baby by co-sleeping and that bottles are Satan’s cups with a nipple. The total stranger who asks when the baby is due, and you’re seven weeks postpartum. I’ve been blissfully living my life for the last seven months with absolutely none of these weird instances happening to me directly. I thought that, surely, I had made it without any of this super weird conversations and would continue to month 10 with the same blessing.

False.

I never realized that my RBF (Resting Bitch Face) was going to come in clutch during pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like people are SO close to asking me things I don’t want to answer, and then the RBF just does the job of letting them know just how unapproachable I am.  Something about having anxiety in public situations, having zero medication to help cope, and then having a stranger tell or ask things I’m not wanting to answer just seems unimaginable. Which leads us to today’s post.

Before I explain to you the most ridiculous encounter that happened to me on Monday, you have to understand one thing. The only other thing that I hate worse than going to the dentist, is going to the dentist without Xanax. For some reason that is my thing. Like, I would rather have a broken bone than get my teeth cleaned. BUT my mom worked in a dental office during my formative years, and oral hygiene is something I’ve known is a necessary evil for a LONG time. Sadly my worst nightmares of uninvited oversharing and dental torture married each other for my Monday afternoon.

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Why We Are Planning For A Natural Childbirth: Musing

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Allow me to preface this by saying that I know many wonderful, damn near perfect mothers that had medicated births. Personally, my mother had two c-sections because she wasn’t a good VBAC candidate and we were both flipped all the wrong ways. Some of my best friends have the most perfect children ever–smart, kind, funny, and ahead on all of their milestones…and they had medicated childbirth. I know of people who schedule their c-section at week 20, and that’s what works for them. This is not meant to “mommy shame” anyone, or make anyone feel like less of a badass for how they brought their child(ren) into this world. Because really, just creating another life makes us all pretty extraordinary, doesn’t it?

“Natural childbirth? As in you aren’t going to get an epidural?”

“No, I’m not going to get any drugs if I have my way.”

“You say that because you haven’t had any kids yet. You’ll be begging for it by hour four.”

To say that people have had some interesting reactions when I tell them that we are training and prepping for a natural childbirth would be a massive understatement. After conversations quite similar in nature to the one listed above, I’m almost always met with the question of “But….Why?”

So here’s my “But…Why?”

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That Time My Husband Told Me I Was Pregnant and I Had a Panic Attack: Musing

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Me-“I think I’m pregnant.”

Matt (obviously thinking that’s a bizarre sentence to hear from one’s wife, unsolicited,  at 10:30pm)- “Woo let’s have a baby! *realizes said wife is not joking* Wait, you’re serious? As in like–we-need-to-buy-a-test- serious?”

Me- “Yeah, get your keys.”

Approximately thirty minutes later, I’m too terrified to return to the bathroom and read the test that held the largest change to come into our lives. Obviously, I sent Matt in to read it, after making him fully understand what a plus sign versus negative sign meant/read.

Matt-“We’re having a baby!”

Me-“What the f*&^ did you just say?”

Matt- “You’re pregnant. How did you even think that you were pregnant?”

Me-“Someone posted a video of a cancer patient being serenaded by Florence and the Machine and it literally made me weep. I never cry at stuff like that.”

Matt-“Huh.”

Then, in true form-he falls asleep after immediately being so accepting and excited that we just changed the entire game. Meanwhile, I lay awake for four hours thinking of all of the horrific things that could happen, how fat I’m going to get, how miserable I’m going to be, and how we really didn’t want or see kids anytime in the near future. I could not shake the feeling that somehow we were both going to wake up and realize we were in way, way over our heads. Then came the guilt. Crippling, all consuming guilt that we had people in our lives trying to get pregnant, and we blink and it happens completely unplanned.

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